I am well aware that I have been slacking on this blog. There’s a shocker.
But I have recently come to understand why that is: pain and anger were my muses for everything I had written before, and I honestly do not feel very angry now, and I have gotten over the pain of it. One of the things that got me through was realizing that we must “play the hand we are dealt.” This is clearly not the future I had envisioned when I said “I do,” and certainly not when Matt and I decided (together) to bring a child into this crazy world. But I can’t curl myself up in a ball, mourning for what could have or should have been. Life goes on.
And my life has gone on. I am doing well. This year has actually been pretty awesome. Avery started pre-school in September, and LOVES it. The fall and winter were pretty status quo. Play-dates, girls’ nights, dates, “the Holidays” – regular stuff.
Matt and Bonnie got married in September, and I was fine with it – it was more weird than anything for me. She is now officially my daughter’s step-mother, and I see her at least once a week. It is what it is. I have mixed feelings about the relationship lasting – on the one hand, I kind of don’t think it will. She is 24 and he is 40, and I think she will realize one day that she gave up “the fun years” to be some jackass’s wife. Also, it is my firm belief that cheaters are cheaters. Because the reason that they cheat has more to do with something in themselves than with their partner or their relationship. On the other hand, if they get divorced, that will be very disruptive to my daughter’s life. She doesn’t remember a time when Bonnie was not there. In fact, Bonnie was on the scene before A made her debut. But, time will tell.
The weirdest thing is, I don’t really remember being married to Matt. When I get to the end of my life and look back, he will be a brief chapter. When I look at him now, I can’t fathom what attracted me. And it’s not because of everything we’ve been through. He’s like a stranger, to whom I am not the least bit attracted. Isn’t that weird? And I find it sad. The biggest decision I will ever make, and I got it SO wrong. And believe me, I was SO sure I was getting it right. I have known people who have gotten married, and I said – oh, that will never last. But WE are doing it right. I felt SO superior. And I admit that I have been taken down a peg or two!
One of the things I have learned through my experiences of the past 3+ years is that I try never to judge any other couples from the outside. I didn’t even know what was going on inside my own marriage, and I was living it. It is impossible to understand what goes on behind the closed doors of others, whether it’s your best friend, your sister, your parents, whoever. Others may have bigger houses than I, better cars, wonderful husbands, glamorous lives, but at what cost?! Not that I wish unhappiness on anyone! No, that’s not it. It has really just made me more empathetic to people. If a stranger cuts me off on the road, I am more likely to wonder what is going on in his or her life than to give him or her the finger. If a friend is harsh or judgmental of others, I wonder what insecurities are causing that reaction.
Life is much more peaceful this way!
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