Life is Good.

So that brings me pretty much up to the present. I have been stuck on this installment, because I have so much I want to say, but I have decided to limit it to our day-to-day life, which is so awesome!

Life is pretty good for us. I am well aware that I am SO extremely fortunate to have been able to stay home with Avery these past two years. Most women in my position would not have been able to do that, and I know that if I had had to hold down a 40+ hour/week job these two years, I may find myself in a mental institution today! It took me three full years, but I feel like I am finally back to “normal,” certainly better than I was while I was married, and probably more self-confident, outgoing and grounded than I have ever been. I feel like I am finally the ME I was always meant to be.

Some people may think that I’m lazy (in fact, I know that some people DO think I’m lazy), that I’m putting off getting a real, paying job just because I don’t want to “work.” Those people have never spent a day alone with a two- or three-year-old! It is a lot of work. There are people who actually do what I do every day and do get paid a lot of money for it. They are called nannies. My “job” can be difficult and exhausting, as any stay-at-home parent could tell you. It begins at 8 am, and is usually finished by 9:30 pm (in my case), but some nights not until 11 pm. And of course on any given night on which I am “on-duty” I can expect my little one to climb into bed with me, which is fine. There aren’t many non-paid positions that wake you up at 4 am! (HIS certainly doesn’t – my number one critic.)

I have been staying home because I recognize that there is a chance that my child may turn out to be completely fucked up by this life that has been forced upon her (and, to some extent, upon me, although Matt would describe our break-up as a “mutual decision”). As a child of divorce, Avery gets shuffled back and forth between two houses, and I can only imagine that many nights she wakes up from a deep sleep or a bad dream not knowing in which bed she is sleeping, or who will come if she calls. I have been doing it to provide some stability in her life, which is lacking in hers, by design, but which is present in kids with one household keeping to one schedule and one set of rules.

While our life together is stable, it has not been too terribly structured to this point. This year has had a little more structure than last – Avery and I took some classes together over the past year – but many days we would wake up and say “what do we want to do today?” I have been too scattered to be able to have too many commitments on my calendar, and I have been slacking in the commitments I have had (the only one of which, really, was the Junior League, and I was not the greatest committee participant, I am well aware!).

I have been putting off finding a full-time job for several reasons: one, I know that, as a single parent, once I start working, I will probably never stop; two, I do really believe that children benefit from being home with a parent for the first three years; and three, I enjoy the time I get to spend with Avery! We have fun together! But we are both ready for me to go back to work full-time. She is so ready to be in a classroom, and she is starting preschool in September – yay! And I am looking for a job.

Our life has been GOOD. Right now, I am happy. As happy or happier than I have ever been. Each night, I thank God for another amazing day, even if the day has been particularly difficult. And I thank him for my brilliant, beautiful, happy and healthy child. I have learned to CHOOSE not to be angry, most of the time. I have learned that, while things may not always turn out as you expect, they will always work out, if you perceive them as being worked out. If you THINK everything is good, that’s good. If it all seems like shit to you, it’s inevitable that it will be anything but shit.